I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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