sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
