So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
