so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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