Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
