Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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