Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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