My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
