Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
