the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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