my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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