He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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