id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
