i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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