Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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