i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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