we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
