Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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