Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
