When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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