my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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