Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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