Who did Billy Mays play for?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
