the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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