i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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