well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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