Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
