i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
