I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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