I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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