I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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