Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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