Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
