Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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