I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
