remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
