I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize