Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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