She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
