I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
