Four minutes until I can fart!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
