Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
