Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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