i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
