I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
