In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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