it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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