i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
