So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
