Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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